


The Nightmates That Followed

by frostytrish



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Death, Depression, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Regret, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-17 22:10:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2324957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frostytrish/pseuds/frostytrish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suzaku is up late having a difficult time dealing with the memory and guilt of his lover's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Nightmates That Followed

**Author's Note:**

> (also on FF)

~The Nightmares That Followed~  
I lie here alone in bed yet again, contemplating the cold unforgiving slumber that will eventually come to me once more. A constant reminder of the day he died, the day Lelouch vi Britannia was killed. By my own hand no less. My constant nightmares won’t allow me to forget a single detail. And so every night I sit in bed, unsure whether it’s safer to stay awake and ponder my reasoning, or to fall asleep and vividly relive my greatest regret. Falling asleep means to look at the acceptance in his violet eyes. The death that he himself had set up. The words I last heard from him; _“Thank you Suzaku, for everything.”_ Tears streaming down my face, no one able to see them because of that damn burden that I was forced to hide behind. The mask of Zero that is to this day a constant reminder of what I was to finish in his stead. 

I recall his body slipping from the blade and sliding down the platform next to his sister, a trail of his blood following him, the first thing she saw after her mother’s death was the death of her brother. 

“For the good of the people” he called it. The sacrifice that must be made. To unite the world with the death of a common enemy. For Nunnally. Always for Nunnally. Did I matter so little, that my wishes and wants didn’t matter, that I couldn't keep the one thing in my life that I cared for most of all. That I had to lose everything dear to me, like I always did, it was an endless, vicious pattern. He just didn't understand. He never took anyone's feelings but his own and Nunnally's into consideration.  
Typical Lelouch.

To allow myself to fall into unconsciousness would be to feel my blade dig into his frail body.  
 _Again, and again… and again._

To feel his life slowly fade away as his warm blood flows down onto the hilt, and drip from my hand onto the cold ground. The years of a long prosperous life he was sure to have had; cut all too short by my sword as it tore through him. He was so close to me and in pain, yet, I wasn’t able to hold him close as I always had. Wasn’t able to whisper sweet nothings into his ear. I couldn’t tell him everything was going to be alright even though we both knew it wouldn’t. Never again would we hold each other close, never again would we embrace one another. What's more, I can’t die. No matter how hard I try, I can’t allow myself to be killed. How much I long to just end my suffering, unable to see his face again outside of that dreadful nightmare! Waking up each morning in a cold sweat, my eyes damp from the wretched memory that I can’t rid myself of! That damn order to live on that he had given me all that time ago hadn’t been erased. 

However, even _that_ isn’t even the worst part. My biggest regret; I wasn’t able to say “I love you” to my dear Lelouch one last time. Nor will I ever again. Even after all the time that has passed, I’m still can’t find it in myself to visit his grave, his words still ringing through my mind; _“You’re the only one I trust to do this for me Suzaku.”_ However, despite my efforts in the struggle to stay awake, I eventually slip into my hell away from hell once again.  
“I should have said no.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the sadness, but I hope you liked it anyways. Please let me know what you think!


End file.
